When things change

No relationship or the people in it stay the same. Even in fairly new relationships people (and their needs) change. With couples who’ve been together a long time change is inevitable and potentially threatening. Managing change is a challenge many couples face.

"In the early days my partner was ill but I was always there for him. We built a home together. Combination therapy made him much better. But now I feel I’m losing him, that I’m not enough. He wants to go on the gay scene, clubbing, etc. He’s more interested in the gym than being at home. I wish we could go back to how we used to be."

Grant

What the counsellor says….

Feeling like a new man
Many of us need to change something about ourselves, or to reinvent ourselves, especially when we realise we’re not getting any younger. You’re seeing this in your boyfriend’s behaviour. Perhaps you can find ways to keep up with your partner’s changes by reaching a compromise. Can you both agree to do more of what the other finds fun? One of you may have to make changes in your own behaviour if you’re going to join your partner on his new journey.

All change?
We can never turn back the clock. Taking a serious look at how things are developing will help. If one of you has traditionally taken a particular role (one does the looking after, the other gets cared for) maybe this should change. Although unsettling, the time might have come for more equal roles. Sometimes there’s no getting over the fact: two partners have changed so much it’s time to review the relationship and ask questions about the future.

Two’s company?
Whatever your HIV status, having a partner around so much can be a strain. If he’s drinking and not working due to bad health that only makes the problem worse. Could he be depressed? Is he tearful, irritable or lethargic? If he is depressed then he could see a doctor to discuss treatment options; counselling, anti-depressants (the two together often work best), even simple exercise can all lift someone out of their depressed state. But don’t neglect yourself and your needs.

What worked for us...

“I was worried my boyfriend had fallen out of love with me. I couldn’t ask him to his face ‘do we have a future?’ After a lot of worry, seeing a counsellor helped me unpick where the real issues were and what the options were.”  

John and Phillip