Over-protecting your partner

The balance between giving support and going too far can be tricky to manage, especially with someone you love.

"HIV may be in your body but when you’re in a relationship, the infection isn’t just yours.  I finally realised my negative partner wasn’t getting the support with this he needed. It was time he shared his worries; first with a counsellor, then family and friends."

Eddie

What the counsellor says…

Nag nag nag
Some HIV negative partners mean well but can overdo it, becoming like a parent (or nanny) instead of a lover. Constantly asking about a partner’s health, questioning things he does from a health viewpoint or being too eager to give support instead of letting him do things himself … all these are traps it’s easy to fall into, thinking it’s for the best.

Worried sick
By the same token, sometimes HIV positive men can be too anxious about infecting their negative partner.  Some caution is sensible but too much can be stifling and takes away the negative partner’s ability to make his own decisions about risks he’s happy to take.


HIV negative partners - what worked for us...


“There’s lots of support organised for people with HIV but far less for us HIV negative partners. Don’t forget you have needs too. Neglecting them will harm you and your relationship in the long run.”  

Chris and Ant

“I learnt after lots of arguments that my positive partner is an adult and can make decisions about his actions and how they affect his health.”    

Lee and Roy

“Me fussing over his health drove him crazy. I see now I did it to make me feel better about feeling helpless. I couldn’t cure his HIV so this was the next best thing. Now I let him know I’m there to give support - but I wait for him to ask for it.”  

Brian and Gerry

HIV positive partners - what worked for us...


“I thought I was protecting my partner by keeping details of my health from him.  In the long run I realised being open about my health and keeping him informed means he feels less need to constantly ask or secretly worry.”

Steven and Colin

“HIV may be in your body but when you’re in a relationship, the infection isn’t just yours.  I finally realised my negative partner wasn’t getting the support with this he needed. It was time he shared his worries; first with a counsellor, then family and friends.”   

Ed and Matt