News to share?

Usually a relationship is celebrated and shared with friends and family. But as gay men we may feel we have to keep our relationships hidden – or not talk about them in detail. Even if friends and family are fine about your relationship mentioning HIV can be difficult.

"He thinks we should tell his family I have HIV.  I don’t see why  – it might make things awkward. My boyfriend’s close to his family, he says he’s tired of hiding things and wants someone other than me to talk to. If he tells one person who else will hear?"

Graham

What the counsellor says…

You both have needs
Do you understand each other’s feelings? You’ll only be able to if you voice them out loud. If you’re HIV negative it can be hard only being able to talk over your concerns with your partner. Keeping the secret might cause barriers that stop you getting the support you need from those close to you. This can put a couple under a lot of strain.

Room for manoeuvre
A compromise can be if the HIV negative partner talks to someone trustworthy not connected to friends or family, e.g. a counsellor or other men in your situation (there are support groups for HIV negative partners in some parts of the country – see Help and support for details). But we get most of our support from friends or family so in the end it may be they who might need telling.

The final say
The person with HIV should decide whether this news is shared. Once you tell someone you can’t ‘untell’ them if you get a bad reaction; for example, an HIV negative partner’s family may now feel their son is in danger. If you’re HIV positive you may not want to be ‘marked out’ by your status. And in tight-knit or rural communities fear of gossip can be very real. If you’re in good health you might need convincing of the need to tell anyone else. An HIV negative partner may respect this decision but the question needs asking: how does this leave him? Unsupported?

Tips on telling
If you both agree to tell someone thought needs to go into who you tell and why you want them to know. Can they be trusted to keep it confidential? It may put a burden on the person you tell and they in turn may feel a need to talk to someone about how the news has affected them. If you tell someone be clear to them you don’t want others told without your permission. You could do this as a couple so you have each other for support. But if one of you can’t (for example, if the positive partner is ill) then it may be left to one of you to do it alone.


What worked for us...

“Until you tell them you never know for sure how those closest to you might react but since we told the family about Dave being HIV positive they’ve been quite supportive.”  

Simon and Dave

“We decided not to tell the family but we agreed I could see a counsellor to get things off my chest so I’d not feel I had to deal with it on my own.”  

Jason and Patrick