Illness and treatments

HIV negative partners get sick too but it’s the long term health of the HIV positive partner that’s usually the concern. Getting ill or having to start HIV treatment can often be at the back of the minds of men in a mixed HIV status couple. The effects can impact on many parts of the relationship but sometimes it might not be obvious how.

"I don’t know if the tiredness or pains in my legs and feet are due to the HIV or the drugs I’m taking. I’m not in the mood for going places or sex. I think my boyfriend’s getting tired of being my nurse and chauffeur."

Alan


What the counsellor says…

Sick and tired
For those of us with HIV, anti-HIV drugs have meant delaying, often indefinitely, poor health or have given back good health to seriously ill people. But treatments don’t guarantee freedom from HIV-related illness.  Being ill can cause a big change in your life together, with emotional and practical complications such as:

  • One having to take on the role of looking after the other
  • Your joint income may drop if one (or both) of you has to stop working due to illness or to care for the other
  • For the first time you may need to look outside the relationship for help and support

HIV treatments can make some people feel worse - even if the drugs are working well. A couple may find their usual routine of socialising, clubbing etc. has to change and it can take some adjusting to a quieter, more home-based period. Explaining a lot sooner how each of you are feeling can nip a lot of resentment in the bud. Both partners may find it helpful to make use of outside support, like counselling or helplines, listed at the end of this web site.

“Getting a hard-on isn’t easy. I have sex with my boyfriend to keep him happy – only he never is, saying I don’t fancy him. He gets sulky when I say I’m not in the mood. I’ve started staying up late, hoping he’ll be asleep when I get to bed. I’ve gone off sex with him - is this what HIV does?” 

Karl


What the counsellor says …

Looking for clues
It can be easy to jump to conclusions when in fact something else is causing the problem. Being ill, taking medication, depression or feeling down (and taking anti-depressants) or just getting older can all affect our sex drive and how we feel about our partner. Often it takes someone from outside to help recognise what the root of a problem is. 

Hard to swallow?
Are you on medication? HIV drugs can bring extra challenges to a relationship, especially when first started, such as side-effects, tiredness and loss of sex drive. Starting medication hits some people emotionally. They may have coped well since their HIV diagnosis only to get depressed on starting treatment. This may make it very real that they’re not as healthy as they were and life is changing. Medication can be a not-so-subtle reminder that HIV is present in your life and relationship. Treatments and illness can cause a sort of ‘grieving’ as you feel the loss of your old life and hopes and dreams you may have had.

Relight my fire
Lack of sexual interest may not be the fault of having HIV or any medication. Keeping a relationship sexual is a challenge for any couple. It can help to look at the state of the emotional relationship to understand what’s happening sexually. If two people become distant this can be played out by their bodies during sex. A couple can be stuck on one level of intimacy and need help moving up to another. Here a counsellor can help.  Maybe the underlying problem is not being able to manage changes in the relationship. A sexual block can also be caused by a block in communication, with partners keeping their feelings to themselves. Talking about how changes make you feel can in itself change things for the better.


What worked for us...

“I’ve realised being ill and on treatments means my boyfriend might not feel in the mood for doing much, including sex…with anyone! It doesn’t mean he’s stopped wanting me or finding me attractive.”  

Kevin and Will

“Low testosterone, medication side effects, the anti-depressants, how I felt towards my partner…it took a while – and some outside help - to work out the real reason I’d lost my spark.”   

Malcolm and Peter

“The drugs brought his old energy back. I could barely keep up with him. I’d got used to the quiet life we had. Eventually I realised it was a change I had to learn to go along with.”  

Danny and Stephen