Reasons To Worry?

When you know for sure your partner has HIV it can be difficult to manage your understandable fears of getting it too.

"I’ve recently started a relationship with a wonderful guy who happens to have HIV. We use condoms but what about other sex like rimming or sucking? He came over my face and spunk almost went in my eye. Also, I worry a condom might break. And I think he’s used my razor to shave his chest. Am I worrying about nothing?"

James


What the counsellor says…

Head versus heart
It seems you’re trying to balance your rational and emotional responses to the position you’re in.  Rationally you’re aware of the risks - and you’ve agreed with yourself and him how much risk you want to take. But emotionally your anxieties about infection may be getting in the way. It’s important your worries are acknowledged – by yourself and by your boyfriend. Keeping your fears to yourself may make you so preoccupied with thoughts of infection that having this relationship will be difficult.

Give it time
The key is getting what is on your mind out in the open so you can both face up to it. Your reactions are not unusual for someone early on in a mixed status relationship. Many are able to manage their concerns and with time the worry gets less. The support listed at the end of this section can help you with your questions.

High anxiety
Unfortunately for some men in your position facts and support can’t help them over their concerns and it becomes clear a relationship like this is not for them. Then sometimes advice is welcome on how to finish things. See the section Over & Out.

What worked for us...

“Talking and time helped me get my fears into perspective. We’re still together 5 years later.”

Jack and Ewan

“If a negative guy wants to end it because he’s scared of getting HIV, fair enough. I’d prefer him to be honest about it and not make up excuses for finishing with me.”

Conor

"Once someone told me straight that he couldn’t handle the worry of catching HIV from me. Maybe I would’ve preferred him to be less brutally honest.”

Terry

For information on the activities mentioned in James’s question see How safe is your sex? 

For emergency advice if a condom fails check out www.chapsonline.org.uk/pep 

To talk to someone about the HIV risks from sex and other activities and PEP you can call THT Direct on 0845 12 21 200 or some of the local numbers listed in the Help and Support section.