Not Easy Staying Safe?

"My boyfriend’s HIV positive but I long to have him come in my mouth. We’ve fucked some times without condoms. Afterwards I feel frustrated because I can’t control myself. When I was single safer sex seemed easy. But I love him so much – I just really need to be close to him in every way."

Denzil

What the counsellor says…

Close to the bone
Are we confusing getting close with our bodies and getting close with our hearts and minds? Sometimes couples see sex without condoms as a short cut to the closeness they want. But condomless sex can be a substitute for really connecting with a partner on a very intimate level. After all, it’s far easier to fuck without a condom than to talk to each other in a very deep, honest way – or to look into each other’s eyes when you make love. Unprotected fucking isn’t the only kind of intimacy.

Acting out
People create meanings for sexual acts, such as taking a partner’s cum in their arse or mouth. What is it about certain sexual acts that are important to you…and why? If this is too important to give up there are ways to make it safer. Rather than taking cum up the arse, taking cum in the mouth, even swallowing, would be a safer option (but still with some risk). With some imagination exchanging other body fluids like saliva, sweat, etc. can become powerful symbols of intimacy without any risk.

Swept away
Faced with feelings of love and desire it can be easy to lose track of what you really want for yourself and the future. This can lead to getting carried away, when your wish to ‘be one’ with your partner is so strong. But it can also leave one or both of you feeling angry, stressed and powerless. The situation won’t be helped if you’re judged harshly – by yourself or others (your partner or friends). We’re all human and make mistakes.

Slipping up
Instead try to take control. What feelings lead up to your ‘slip ups’? Look for a pattern. Often it’s a ‘slippery slope’, starting with ‘harmless’ foreplay such as one of you nudging their dick up against the other’s arsehole, then slipping it inside ‘just for a few seconds’…only eventually to get ‘carried away’ and end up fucking without a condom. During this build up you pass the ‘point of no return’ – going back isn’t likely, despite your best intentions. That point isn’t half way through but right at the start when the dick is first up against the arse. Avoiding that situation is the key, not hoping to pull back later when things are getting very excited. A condom put on at this early stage is often the only time realistically you both can get off the ‘slippery slope.’

What worked for us...

“Being off our faces played the biggest role when we had unsafe sex. So we had to tackle the drugs and drink head on.”

Tony and Howard

“We were struggling with staying safe so went to see a counsellor who brought a new way of looking at why unsafe sex kept happening.”

Vijay and Billie

“When I find myself tempted I remind myself what my future might look like if I got HIV; telling my parents, how my partner would feel…that brings me back to earth.”

Don and Sean

If there’s a ‘slip up’ – or even a lot of them – don’t think all is lost. HIV can be passed on from just one unprotected fuck, but it can also take several or very many. So it’d be a mistake to think there’s no point using condoms anymore. It’s never too late to go back to condoms – or start using them.

“Love and lust are strong feelings that most of us find hard to control.”

Liam and Warren

“Beating yourself up gets you nowhere. Instead make a plan so it happens less often. We got outside help.”

Tom and Chris

“Don’t start believing slip ups will always happen. You can stop them or at least have them happen less.”

Pete and Kevin

You can talk over 'slip ups’ with your partner, a counsellor or anonymously with someone on a telephone helpline (eg THT Direct on 0845 12 21 200). Studies show that most ‘mixed status’ couples manage to avoid fucking without condoms - so staying safe can be done. Oh, and one more very important thing … PEP.