Over & Out

Just like any relationship, mixed status relationships can come to an end.  This can be for reasons that have nothing to do with HIV but sometimes it does play a part.

"How can I think about finishing with him after all we’ve been through? I’d feel so guilty. Would I find someone else? Could he?"

Bruno

What the counsellor says…

If you leave me now …
There are plenty of reasons why a relationship might be kept going well after it might have run its course.  If you are the HIV negative partner, you might think you can’t leave because:

  • to others it would look like you were abandoning him
  • he’d be left without support when he needed it
  • you’d feel guilty or worry that he won’t find someone else

If you’re the HIV positive partner, you might stay because:

  • you too worry about being able to find another relationship, or
  • you might feel guilty at wanting to leave your partner

Should I stay or should I go?
It’s important to remember that everyone is capable of loving and being loved, no matter what their HIV status. No-one should feel they must stay because they could never find a new relationship. People, including those of us with HIV, start and end relationships all the time. If the main or only thing keeping two people together is guilt, pity or fear of loneliness, the question needs asking: is this healthy for either partner? What are you both getting out of staying together? And often if you’re unhappy with the relationship for whatever reason, chances are your partner will be too sooner or later.  

It’s good to talk
If you are having problems in your relationship, one option is counselling. Many gay men’s projects around the UK can either provide relationship counselling (for the couple or for just one partner) or recommend a local gay-friendly counsellor.  Relate, the country’s largest relationship counselling service, regularly see gay couples too. They have a useful site all about relationships, sexual problems, counselling (including over the phone), break-ups, etc at www.relate.org.uk

For details of the counselling offered across the country by Terrence Higgins Trust, PACE and other organisations check out our Help & Support section.

“At first I was sceptical but seeing a counsellor was useful for reviewing our relationship.”

Joe and Brendan

“Talking to a professional helped us see if we were just going through a rocky patch or whether it was time to think about breaking up.”

Luke and Clayton

Is there a good way to break-up?
Usually if a relationship ends one partner wants it more than the other, although people often try to disguise their true feelings. The ‘wrong’ way to break up involves dishonesty or creating a situation that will mean the end but without taking responsibility:

  • Making the other partner’s life so miserable that they leave
  • Using something a partner’s done to end it so they can be blamed for the break-up
  • Physically or emotionally ‘disappearing’
  • Breaking one of the relationship’s key rules knowing it will provoke the end.

A better way to end things is to be direct, honest and take responsibility for your own wish to break up. This can be hard but a counsellor can help you manage this.