Death & Dying

Death and dying could affect any couple, whether HIV is involved or not. Clearly with HIV still an incurable (and potentially fatal) condition issues around dying can be hard to ignore.

"When my partner died I thought the hurt would never end. There were times I thought I was going crazy. No one prepares you for what you’ll go through."

Omar

What the counsellor says…

Grieving
Most people need time and talking to get through what can be a very long, slow grieving process that can take 1-2 years. If your relationship wasn’t widely known about, grieving a lost partner can be especially difficult as you may not find it easy or even possible to talk about what’s happened. If an HIV-related illness was the cause of death that can be another obstacle to talking openly. Everyone will experience grieving differently but it often involves some or all of the following stages:

  • denial and disbelief – often also a feeling of numbness
  • anger – possibly coupled with feelings of regret and guilt
  • intense sadness – maybe with mood swings, feeling hopeless or becoming withdrawn
  • acceptance – sadness lessens and it becomes possible to let go of the dead person and move on with life

Some people are scared that if they don’t keep a lid on their grief it will overwhelm them. This is unlikely and although painful to confront, keeping grief in can cause emotional problems and physical illness later. Working through the process is often necessary for your emotional and physical health.

Points to bear in mind about grieving:

  • Expecting to be ‘over it’ by a certain date isn’t wise – it will take as long as it needs to
  • New responsibilities or making major life decisions are best avoided while grieving
  • It’s normal not to function as efficiently as usual
  • Be wary of using alcohol or prescription or recreational drugs to avoid dealing with your grief
  • Grieving is not about forgetting someone but learning to remember someone’s importance with a sense of peace, not pain.
  • Remind yourself that however long grieving lasts, it is temporary - sooner or later you will be able to enjoy life again

‘Just give it time’ is often the advice given but actually doing things helps the process along.
Tips on what to do:

  • Talk about your loss to friends, family, a counsellor, helpline operator - or if you have a faith, to a religious leader or directly to God
  • Accept help if offered and tell people what you need from them e.g. maybe you want them to talk about the dead person, not avoid the subject
  • Plan ahead for painful times such as anniversaries
  • Plan good times that you allow yourself to enjoy without feeling guilty
  • Read books or web sites about grieving
  • Look after yourself – get the sleep and food your body needs. Exercise is a good outlet for anger and keeps the mind occupied