Getting results
Want to get something off your chest with your partner? Instead of attacking or withdrawing, when you talk to him, fill in the gaps to this three-part formula:
“When you…”
Say what it is that he does that you don’t like. Be direct - but not accusing. Avoid just saying ‘You do this’, ‘You make me feel this...’ That makes him feel attacked; chances are he’ll become defensive (by attacking back or withdrawing). So part two is important …
“I feel…“
Tell him the effect of what he does. Use ‘I’ statements e.g. “I feel hurt/angry/frustrated etc. when you do this…” Keep the focus on how you feel, not what you may be thinking about him. This explains to him why his actions bother you, hopefully without him feeling too personally attacked.
“So I’d like…”
Be constructive. Bringing a problem out into the open is good. Saying what you’d like to happen instead is better.
For example, “When you talk about how you fancy other men, I feel insecure and angry, so I’d like you to try and not tell me who you fancy.”
